7 Phrases to Avoid at Thanksgiving Dinner
My favorite holiday movie is “Home For the Holidays” with Holly Hunter. It’s a classic peek into the trainwreck we call the American family. I’ve often wondered if the same thing happens all over the world. People are, after all, just people.
The movie shows what happens when people leave home and pursue their own lives: we become influenced by our new surroundings; we expand our perspective; we change. The ones that never left have a hard time grappling with the changes in the ones who left. And the romantic “homecoming” of greeting cards and old time movies melts down into a wreck worthy of its own Reality Show.
The key word here is CHANGE. People change. Your relatives aren’t who you think they are. Your sister isn’t who she was when she lived at home 30 years ago with you. Your mother and dad actually DO have lives, and always have had lives, unbeknownst to you when you were a kid.
In truth, we have never really known our siblings, our parents, or even our own children. We know a piece of them, the piece that interacted with us. And that piece is only one tiny facet of their life experience. You know this is true, because it is true for you with your own family. They have expectations of you that puzzle you and leave you exasperated and frustrated.
So, how do you have a Happy Thanksgiving? How do you navigate the treacherous waters of the Holidays with most of your hair intact and your brain cells un-fried?
Get thee centered. Take a deep breath. Don’t impose your memories on anyone else, and deflect others when they try to impose old baggage on you. Have a plan. Have a set of things you want to talk about that are not inflammatory, accusatory, or incendiary. Be there with the overriding goal of celebrating who everyone is NOW.
You may not be able to avoid arguments, but if you play your cards right, they won’t be the relationship-ending, childhood-dredging, resentment-fostering nightmare that plagues many family gatherings.
Seven Phrases that will turn Thanksgiving into a Trainwreck:
- Negating Accomplishments: “You have to be kidding me, you never [did that, said that, won that....]”
- Devastating Confessional: “Mom, I’ve never told you this, but do you know what I did when….”
- Insecurity: “You never [appreciated me; noticed me; loved me; gave me; told me....]
- Resentment: “Why did/didn’t you…..”
- The Take Down: “Remember when you [embarrassing moment recall...]”
- Tattletale Tease: “Do you all know what [sister, brother, cousin, aunt, mom, dad] did way back when?”
- Attack: “How Dare You.” “You always…”
It’s easy to tell you not to say those things, but what do you do when they say them to you? That’s frustrating, because we can get plugged into our siblings and relatives “stuff.” I do what’s called “distract the baby” – I change the subject to something they enjoy. I just look at them calmly, don’t acknowledge the comment, and take them in another direction. Try these (assuming none of these are connected to disasters!)
- Ask about their favorite sport, movie, TV show
- Ask about the kids, dogs, cats
- Have a current event from their town and ask their take on it
- Tell them something you always appreciated about them
- See the angle here? Get them talking about something that makes them happy. Never mind bragging about your accomplishments. Families never really appreciate that. Save it for your friends.
Sometimes a calm smile and a shake of the head without any verbal response is the best response. A friend of mine will wave her hand and say, “You’re so funny.” And walk away. That often works better than lecturing them. Making the comment irrelevant has the effect of neutralizing it, and the comment will drop to the floor where you can sweep it into the trash later.
The reality is this: Humans are awkward, weird, uncomfortable, and nervous about the holidays. We have romantic hopes and expectations, and often those are smashed against the rocks of reality known as our family. Because they think they know our history, they bring out insecurities and memories of family moments long past.
People who attack are saying, “I’m Insecure!” They want to pull you down so they can mask that. Showing a little appreciation, reminding them about the good times, and taking the conversation down a safer road is a good choice. We are all capable of warm and loving interactions. The ones attacking just don’t know you anymore and they don’t know what to say. If you take the lead and keep conversations safe, everyone will have a better Thanksgiving.
Think of it as self-preservation. You are eating a heavy meal, don’t stress your heart any more than you have to. And Relax. At the end of the day, you are still you. They are still themselves. Nothing changes. And life is just too short to waste precious family time dredging up disasters.
Most importantly, when someone says “Thank You” – just say “You are welcome.” Don’t take away from their sincere appreciation of you by saying, “It was nothing.” Or “No biggie.” To them, it was something. It’s OK to just smile and nod and accept it.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
© 2009 Beth Terry Seminars, Inc.
