Managing Passive Aggressives

I had just finished a speech on Resilience, and a man came up and said, “Kind of odd you teach people to be Passive Aggressive.”  I immediately thought, “What a passive aggressive way to communicate that to me!” What I said out loud was, “Nah, I was teaching you how to be Passive Assertive!“

You won’t find THAT word in your dictionary, I just made it up on the spot. And, by golly, it WORKS!

We toss those labels around a little too freely. Passive Aggressive… what do we mean when we say, “he’s passive aggressive,” “she’s schizo,” “she’s BiPolar?”

We hear so much psychobabble in any given day that we actually think we know what we are defining about a person. Passive Aggressive is clinical. You can measure it. You feel it. You KNOW when you’ve been manipulated by someone who uses it.

(slightly whiney voice: )“Oh, That’s OK, you can have the last piece of cake. I didn’t want any extra sugar in my diet anyway. YOU probably needed the extra energy.”

or: “That’s OK, I’ll probably be late, but your job is more important than mine, I’ll give you a ride.”

Passive Aggression is a typical outward expression of rage, resentment, fear, and jealousy. These people are insecure and don’t know how to express themselves. They also tend to be extremely self-absorbed. Everything is about them.

The worst ones I’ve met are able to be incredibly nice to people who don’t matter in their lives, yet they treat family and colleagues in horrendous ways. This causes a problem if you are the target and you’re trying to get a handle on what’s going on. Normal, healthy people generally take some responsibility for their interactions. “Is it just me?” “Think, what have I done that may have offended this person.” “They are so nice most of the time. What the heck was THAT?” If we ask an outsider, they often don’t see it and we wind up looking bad.

Thus, I developed Passive Assertiveness over the years to deal with a family member who exhibits these traits. And I teach it in my courses. It is the only way I know to successfully distance myself and stay out of the fray.

Passive Assertiveness as I see it is this: You know what’s going on. You are conscious it isn’t right and you can feel it in your gut. You have no desire or need to “win” or change the other person. You simply don’t want to play anymore and you desire a method to exit this situation or conversation in a way that saves face for all.

You know that fighting does no good. Anyone who has fought or argued with a Passive Aggressive knows you can’t win. Their ability to reframe and live in denial is legendary. “Well I meant NO SUCH THING! How could you THINK that?”

Actually, the plan is to engage you and get you riled up. The Passive Aggressive in my life will say awful things in the most innocent way. Then they sit back and watch as the target gets angry, often showing little or no reaction to the target’s rage. Occasionally a little smile plays on their face, as if they are feeding on the upset. One can picture them smacking their lips and rubbing their hands together, “I’ve got you NOW, my pretty.”

They don’t know how to deal with detachment. If you don’t react, you ruin all the fun. Here’s the technique I teach in every class: Smile and say very nicely, “I love you, and I have to go now.” Using the word “AND” sends the message that you mean the first part of the sentence. If you said, “But” – you are erasing that.  “But means ‘NOT!’”  Of course, if you DON’T love the other person, don’t say it. You could say, “It’s great to see you, AND I have to go now.” The operative word being “GO!”

In other words, don’t stick around for more abuse. Don’t engage. Don’t respond to the insults and insinuations. Don’t play into their guilt game. Another response I learned from a friend is this: She waves her hand in the air and says, “You are sooo funny!” And then she walks away from the offender.

It’s the detachment and the lightheartedness that saves you. You are saying, “I see you. And I’m not buying into this.” It’s very powerful. It sends a message, and doesn’t devolve into an argument. Here’s the deal, if you don’t have clinical psychology training, you won’t win any arguments and won’t be able to change them anyway. Why try?

If you MUST, you can be Directly Assertive. You can say, “That was Passive Aggressive behavior.” However, NOW you are engaged. And their response will be a protestation of innocence and they’ll say you’re too sensitive. In my mind, it just ain’t worth it.

So, the next time you feel manipulated by someone like this, take a deep breath. Detach from the situation. Remember it isn’t about you. And let them know you have to go now.

Good luck!

Beth

© 2009 Beth Terry Seminars, Inc.