“You are never upset for the reasons you think.”

That’s a wonderful quote from Gerald Jampolsky’s book “Love is Letting Go of Fear.” And it’s so true. It’s rare for an upset to be a simple cause-and-effect situation.

Here, let me save you thousands of dollars in payments to a shrink. You’re sitting in the docs office. First question, “So, tell me what’s bothering you?” You give them a long spiel. They nod a lot, then say, “So, what is it about that issue that really bothers you?” And you do a little analysis and give them another theory. So they write something in the notebook and say, “Ahh, I see. So why do you think that is?” They may ask you the same question eight different ways while you whittle down to the real reason for your upset.

See a pattern here? Whenever we get upset at someone or at a situation, we think we know why. We tell our friends why and they nod understandingly. Then they start to tell us of a similar situation and are off on their latest angst tour. If that’s as far as we go, we live in the fantasy that the current situation is really only about the here and now.

It ain’t so. The woman at work who drives you crazy may remind you of a classmate in the third grade who tormented you. The controlling guy at that meeting reminds you of a controlling father or boyfriend who wouldn’t let you be yourself and stifled your creative expression. The perfectionist neighbor reminds you of the little blonde girl in kindergarten who was always clean and perfect, and made you feel bad about yourself because you played in the yard and enjoyed roughhousing.

We gather life’s experiences and tuck them away. We think they are just an experience and have no consequences; no repercussions later on down the road. But they do show up again. Oh yes they do. Some experiences were so tiny you barely noticed them: a disapproving look from a person you admired; a two people talking and looking at you; a heavy sigh from a parent.

We humans are communal creatures. We take our cues from our community. We worry about fitting in, finding our place, finding our soul-mates, finding a safe place to express our Self. When we are programmed by others that we are not worthy, we fight back with all sorts of behaviors that are inexplicable, even to ourselves.

If we had a controlling parent, we may grow up to be controlling. ‘I’m the BOSS now and NO ONE can tell me what to do!” If we had an abusive parent, every person of that gender is suspect and we react accordingly. If we had a brother who was hypercritical of every word we uttered, we become belligerent in getting our views out there. Our coping mechanisms can be subtle or exaggerated. And the more stressed we are, the more outrageous they become.

So what do you do?

1. First, if you frequently overreact to things that upset you, get counseling. Find someone – a psychologist, counselor, coach, priest, rabbi, a health practitioner – who can help you sort it out. There’s no shame in reaching out for help. A competent professional will not judge you, they will help you navigate the map to yourself. And you deserve that much in this lifetime.

2. Start a journal. Write down the happy times as well as the stressful. Notice events leading up to each. Eventually you’ll find threads and common themes. You’ll start to understand your needs and your self better. One hint, keep that journal well-hidden. And DON’T put it on the computer. That’s easier to find than your passwords!

3. Use the questioning technique I mentioned in the first paragraph: Keep asking yourself, “What’s upsetting me?” and don’t take your first response as the final answer.

4. Ask yourself – “Who does this person remind me of?” [note to perfectionists, don't get hung up on dangling participles!] Ask, “What does this situation remind me of?” “Why is this different?”

5. Do a “Dump the Trash” Exercise. Read my post about that at the beginning of the year. Write down all the things that are bothering you and go through the forgiveness exercise I outlined. Then take that list and burn it. It’s cathartic and may help you think differently about your current situation.

6. Reframe this. Ask yourself, “What if I could solve this in one week, what would I do?” or “What if he/she is feeling as frustrated as me. How can I heal this?” or “What if we are having this issue because we are so much alike. How would I like this handled if the roles were reversed?

7. Surrender. That doesn’t mean “give up.” It means let go of things you can’t control. You cannot go back into your past and undo the dumb things you or anyone else said or did. You can’t control other people. You can only control your responses. The more you understand about yourself, the better equipped you’ll be to interact with the rest of the human race.

As Jampolsky says, most of our upset is about fear – fear of rejection, of being unlovable, of survival issues, of losing face. If we get to the bottom of the fear and replace it with understanding and love, we’re a whole lot more fun to be around.

The way I see it – we have enough crazy people in the world. We don’t need any more. Pay attention to what gets your dander up and work on that. We need you to be healthy.

Take care of yourself,

Beth

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Beth Terry, CSP, is a Professional Speaker, Author, and Corporate Trainer on Customer Service, Conflict Resolution, Stress, and Change. For more info, see her site.

© 2008 Beth Terry Seminars, Inc. All International and US rights reserved.